In February 2014 I told one of my best friends that we were going to start trying for our second baby next month. For those who know me, if over the past year I have seemed weird, distant, or just off… this is why. For those who don’t know me, you’re about to get to on a pretty personal level.
My friend said, “Really? March is tomorrow!”
“Oh”, I said “ok, maybe we’re not ready…”. But we did start trying that March, it has now been 1 year, 6 months and 21 days
I am beyond ready and I am not pregnant.
Rewind a few years to May 2012. Brandon and I decided to start trying for our first child. In September 2012, a short 5 months later, I was pregnant. On June 18th, 2013 Morris was born.
I (stupidly, I now realize) assumed that #2 would come along as easily.
We tried on our own for a year before seeking medical assistance and are now realizing that fertility treatment is not a quick process. It took time to get an initial appointment, time to run tests, time to monitor ovulation, and time to wait for test results. And then life got in the way and we ended up waiting a few more months.
Now we are finally starting some fertility treatment. Fingers crossed.
To say that this process has been emotionally draining is certainly an understatement. Every single month, (although I tell myself not to get my hopes up), I feel letdown when I realize I am not pregnant.
And there are very few people that I feel I can talk to. Like, really talk to.
I feel that friends who have been struggling to get pregnant for the first time don’t want to hear my story because I already have a child. I totally get this.
And I am so so so thankful that we have Morris. I cannot emphasize that enough. And if Morris ends up being the only child that we have, we are blessed. But I will still be sad, for me, and for Morris who I so desperately want to have a sister or brother.
The main reason that I started this blog and became more involved with the women community on Instagram was to give me a focus other then not being pregnant month after month. And it has helped. The blogging and Instagram community is so uplifting, so lovely, and I’ve “met” some really inspiring ladies.
I also fully understand and appreciate that there are so many worse things that I could be dealing with then secondary infertility. I often feel guilty for being upset about it. I do have perspective, but that doesn’t always make it easier.